As seen in the Washington Square News.
I’ve mentioned in a previous column that Cornell is the odd man out in the Ivy League. Founded in 1865, Cornell is the youngest in the Ivy family, and proponents of birth order theory would say that being the pampered youngest child leads to dependence, selfishness, irresponsibility and manipulation.
So what could possibly be more indicative of Cornell’s attention-whore attitude than launching a fucking satellite?
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, Cornell is going to launch a fucking satellite. Into space.
They’re breeding little Richard Bransons over there, I swear.
According to the Cornell Daily Sun, the Cornell Satellite Team won an Air Force-sponsored competition last week, earning a free ride into space for their creation.
Now I don’t know about you, but that’s a serious case of youngest child syndrome. Allow me to analyze the symptoms:
Dependence – Long pampered by higher education (“That’s OK, baby, you’re an Ivy.”), Cornell needs everyone, including its older brothers, to pay attention. “Look at our big ol’ carnelian and white satellite! Look at the teeth on that bear! Ferocious!”
Selfishness – What isn’t selfish about launching a satellite? “We’re doing it for science.” No, you’re doing it so you can say, “Look at my fucking satellite.”
Irresponsibility – Cornell’s satellite is designed for “in-orbit inspection” – that is, using one satellite to inspect another while in space. So instead of cleaning up some of the trash orbiting the earth, Cornell’s created a satellite that takes pictures of another. It’s like extraterrestrial CollegeHumor. It’s worse than your drunk roommate with a camera phone.
Manipulation – Of course, all of this satellite-launching business is done under the premise that this will benefit science and society at large. Sure, they might say it’s intended to help prevent disasters like the 2003 Columbia Space Shuttle tragedy, but c’mon – we all know Cornell really wants to spy on its older brothers and see who they’re sleeping with. Or quite possibly take over the world and reign supreme, forcing everyone else to wear “Ithaca is Gorges” T-shirts as state-mandated uniforms. Big ones. Big red ones.
My recommendation this week is pretty obvious, NYU: We need to launch some shit into space.
Founded in 1831, we’re older and theoretically wiser than our Ithaca brethren, so we need to have a nose up on them. After all, who else enters a competition where the Air Force challenges each team “to think of a problem and to solve that problem by building a satellite and developing relevant technology?” At that rate, I think NYU has a problem with stank-ass Uggs and should invent a satellite to vaporize those things off the feet of every freshman who walks through the arch.
But you know what? No matter what we do, those Ivies don’t think we’re good enough, even if we beat Harvard and all the others again as the school students actually want to attend (fourth year in a row – funny how blush is the color crimson! And carnelian!).
So I propose a new solution, NYU: We need a Death Star.
NYU needs an impervious violet Death Star of epic proportions named Gallatinia that fires violet lasers at all comers, destroying every Ivy Leaguer who bitches that NYU “doesn’t belong.”
So what’s that, little bro? You have a satellite?
Well we have a fucking Death Star. Chew on that, Big Red.
Andrew Nusca is a former news editor, spitting Ivy bile every week. Tell him where to shove it at opinion@nyunews.com.
UPDATE:
My response to comments in response to “Cornell’s satellite, or, a desperate cry for attention”
By andrew nusca
In the spirit of fairness, I’m not going to respond to individual comments, but I would like to clarify what “The Ivy Torch” is all about for those readers who mistake the column for an objective source of information:
“The Ivy Torch” is a satirical opinion column intended to poke fun at the Ivy League and the Ivy-aspiring culture at NYU. It is written in a style similar to that of Gawker Media blogs, and is intended to lampoon both Ivy League schools and NYU equally. It is purely for the entertainment of its readers. Ever since Newsweek named NYU one of 25 “New Ivies” in 2006 and the university received more applicants than ever as the Princeton Review’s #1 Dream School, NYU and its students have felt the pressure to “size up” as one of the nation’s premier universities.
This can be seen in fellow classmates, many of whom applied to Ivy League schools when in high school — some even choosing NYU over one. Though the “Ivy League” status is limited to a handful of the nation’s oldest universities — first and foremost a sports league designation, let’s not forget — the cachet associated with the name is desirable by any top university excluded from it.
“The Ivy Torch” is not intended to make any argument neither for nor against the Ivy League or NYU. Students can debate the merits of what defines an “Ivy League” school — star-studded alumni, number of applicants, endowment, percent of applicants admitted, test scores and so on — until the cows come home. In reality, we should all question the value of such exclusivity when virtually everyone can agree that Ivy League schools as well as NYU and many other universities churn out top-notch students every year. This arbitrary exclusivity is precisely what fuels the crass humor behind “The Ivy Torch.”
Furthermore, it must be noted that as the author, I am stepping aside from my previous, objective duties as news editor to write this column. “The Ivy Torch” is intentionally ludicrous and makes no claim that it presents a complete argument, if any at all. As the author of this very satirical column, I do not represent the views of NYU, WSN or even myself. The column’s only purpose is entertainment, and judging by the passion in your comments, I can see that I’m succeeding at least in part.
Thank you and please continue reading and commenting,
Andrew Nusca
P.S. If you’re looking for “serious” opinion writing from me that is grounded in fact and experience, visit my media criticism blog “The Editorialiste.“
This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007 at 11:31 pm and is filed under Opinion, The Ivy Torch. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
Cornell’s satellite, or, a desperate cry for attention
As seen in the Washington Square News.
I’ve mentioned in a previous column that Cornell is the odd man out in the Ivy League. Founded in 1865, Cornell is the youngest in the Ivy family, and proponents of birth order theory would say that being the pampered youngest child leads to dependence, selfishness, irresponsibility and manipulation.
So what could possibly be more indicative of Cornell’s attention-whore attitude than launching a fucking satellite?
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, Cornell is going to launch a fucking satellite. Into space.
They’re breeding little Richard Bransons over there, I swear.
According to the Cornell Daily Sun, the Cornell Satellite Team won an Air Force-sponsored competition last week, earning a free ride into space for their creation.
Now I don’t know about you, but that’s a serious case of youngest child syndrome. Allow me to analyze the symptoms:
Dependence – Long pampered by higher education (“That’s OK, baby, you’re an Ivy.”), Cornell needs everyone, including its older brothers, to pay attention. “Look at our big ol’ carnelian and white satellite! Look at the teeth on that bear! Ferocious!”
Selfishness – What isn’t selfish about launching a satellite? “We’re doing it for science.” No, you’re doing it so you can say, “Look at my fucking satellite.”
Irresponsibility – Cornell’s satellite is designed for “in-orbit inspection” – that is, using one satellite to inspect another while in space. So instead of cleaning up some of the trash orbiting the earth, Cornell’s created a satellite that takes pictures of another. It’s like extraterrestrial CollegeHumor. It’s worse than your drunk roommate with a camera phone.
Manipulation – Of course, all of this satellite-launching business is done under the premise that this will benefit science and society at large. Sure, they might say it’s intended to help prevent disasters like the 2003 Columbia Space Shuttle tragedy, but c’mon – we all know Cornell really wants to spy on its older brothers and see who they’re sleeping with. Or quite possibly take over the world and reign supreme, forcing everyone else to wear “Ithaca is Gorges” T-shirts as state-mandated uniforms. Big ones. Big red ones.
My recommendation this week is pretty obvious, NYU: We need to launch some shit into space.
Founded in 1831, we’re older and theoretically wiser than our Ithaca brethren, so we need to have a nose up on them. After all, who else enters a competition where the Air Force challenges each team “to think of a problem and to solve that problem by building a satellite and developing relevant technology?” At that rate, I think NYU has a problem with stank-ass Uggs and should invent a satellite to vaporize those things off the feet of every freshman who walks through the arch.
But you know what? No matter what we do, those Ivies don’t think we’re good enough, even if we beat Harvard and all the others again as the school students actually want to attend (fourth year in a row – funny how blush is the color crimson! And carnelian!).
So I propose a new solution, NYU: We need a Death Star.
NYU needs an impervious violet Death Star of epic proportions named Gallatinia that fires violet lasers at all comers, destroying every Ivy Leaguer who bitches that NYU “doesn’t belong.”
So what’s that, little bro? You have a satellite?
Well we have a fucking Death Star. Chew on that, Big Red.
Andrew Nusca is a former news editor, spitting Ivy bile every week. Tell him where to shove it at opinion@nyunews.com.
UPDATE:
My response to comments in response to “Cornell’s satellite, or, a desperate cry for attention”
By andrew nusca
In the spirit of fairness, I’m not going to respond to individual comments, but I would like to clarify what “The Ivy Torch” is all about for those readers who mistake the column for an objective source of information:
“The Ivy Torch” is a satirical opinion column intended to poke fun at the Ivy League and the Ivy-aspiring culture at NYU. It is written in a style similar to that of Gawker Media blogs, and is intended to lampoon both Ivy League schools and NYU equally. It is purely for the entertainment of its readers. Ever since Newsweek named NYU one of 25 “New Ivies” in 2006 and the university received more applicants than ever as the Princeton Review’s #1 Dream School, NYU and its students have felt the pressure to “size up” as one of the nation’s premier universities.
This can be seen in fellow classmates, many of whom applied to Ivy League schools when in high school — some even choosing NYU over one. Though the “Ivy League” status is limited to a handful of the nation’s oldest universities — first and foremost a sports league designation, let’s not forget — the cachet associated with the name is desirable by any top university excluded from it.
“The Ivy Torch” is not intended to make any argument neither for nor against the Ivy League or NYU. Students can debate the merits of what defines an “Ivy League” school — star-studded alumni, number of applicants, endowment, percent of applicants admitted, test scores and so on — until the cows come home. In reality, we should all question the value of such exclusivity when virtually everyone can agree that Ivy League schools as well as NYU and many other universities churn out top-notch students every year. This arbitrary exclusivity is precisely what fuels the crass humor behind “The Ivy Torch.”
Furthermore, it must be noted that as the author, I am stepping aside from my previous, objective duties as news editor to write this column. “The Ivy Torch” is intentionally ludicrous and makes no claim that it presents a complete argument, if any at all. As the author of this very satirical column, I do not represent the views of NYU, WSN or even myself. The column’s only purpose is entertainment, and judging by the passion in your comments, I can see that I’m succeeding at least in part.
Thank you and please continue reading and commenting,
Andrew Nusca
P.S. If you’re looking for “serious” opinion writing from me that is grounded in fact and experience, visit my media criticism blog “The Editorialiste.“
This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007 at 11:31 pm and is filed under Opinion, The Ivy Torch. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.